boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
