I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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