She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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