Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
