I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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