So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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