I'm so fucking centered right now
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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