i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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