dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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