too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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