When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
