also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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