Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Randomize
