Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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