Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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