is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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