i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
