i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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