I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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