I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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