oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
