I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
