i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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