Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
