Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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