jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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