I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
