She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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