Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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