I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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