that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
