she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
