There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my shit smells like andre
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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