Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
