He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
