she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
