You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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