I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
