i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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