listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
