After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
