Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
