The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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