I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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