i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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