toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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