The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
