I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
