I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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