i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
