Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
