she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
