I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
