why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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