were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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