im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
