Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
