what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
