My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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