i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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