Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize